Wednesday, February 15, 2012

8 things (possibly) worse morally than Han shooting first

(Which he did)

Pasted from

8. Using An Army Of Clones

How are the Jedi OK with this? Aside from the fact that no one really knew who made the clones, doesn’t Yoda have any qualms about the fact that these soldiers were raised in pods and have life outside of battle? It’s one thing to raise an army. It’s another to use a bunch of slaves you made in a test tube.

7. Animal Abuse

Killing a savage bounty hunter is totally verboten in Lucasland, but picking off womp rats is just innocent “boys will be boys” fun? That’s crap. Luke Skywalker’s predilection towards killing animals should indicate that not only is he not fit to lead a rebellion, but probably shouldn’t be someone you’re hanging out with in any capacity. And let’s not forget Han Solo’s total disregard for the life of his poor Tauntaun.

6. Mind Control for Petty Reasons

Here, Obi Wan uses mind control to get kids to stop smoking. Wow. I guess that getting them to clean their rooms or turn down that darn space rock-and-roll would have been gratuitous. Jesus, these Jedis sure do feel a lot of moral obligation to interlope in people’s lives. They’re smoking kids. Let them live their lives, Obi Wan. Not everyone wants to be some joyless Jedi.

5. Cheating

Shitty behavior all around in this instance. Qui Gon Jinn used telekinesis to will the chance cube to fall on blue, even though Watto had weighted the chance cube and painted five of the six sides red to ensure that the outcome was in his favor. Of course, no reasonable person would wager on a die pulled out from the pocket of a grifter, and the fact remains that two wrongs don’t make a right. Sure, Watto was cheating, but that doesn’t give the “good guys” the right to cheat as well.
To allow this would be to condone anarchy. Society needs rules to live by.

4. Letting Anakin Suffer After He’s Burned

“Oh, I would love to help you Anakin, but I’ve got this lunch thing I’ve gotta get to. I would stick around, but I’ve already cancelled on this guy twice, and it’s clear across the galaxy, so I have to get going.”
“Can you at least kill me? My arms and legs are burning off, and it’s very painful.”
“Ugh. I would love to, but I’m really jammed up here, because I parked like three blocks away, and I think I need to get gas.”
“Just stab me with light saber or drop a rock on my head. It will take two seconds.”
“You know…Jeez. I would love to help you out, but I’m gonna get going. Best of luck in your future endeavors.”

3. Enslaving Chewbacca (A.K.A. The Life Bond)

Oh, they have a life bond. Since I’m know that Han is into women, I’m guessing that the life bond isn’t a romantic thing, but rather a euphemism for slavery. Chewbacca is beholden to his human master. And you can hear the pain in his voice every time he bellows. It’s terrible. If Roots taught me anything, it’s that slave owners often wear vests, thus making Han Solo a horrible, horrible slave owner.

2. Brainwashing Ewoks to Fight Your Wars

C-3PO passes himself off as a deity to the Ewoks, essentially tricking a bunch of adorable teddy bears to fight in a war they have nothing to do with. It’s terrible. If it had been just c-3PO’s ruse, that would be one thing, but Luke Skywalker is in on it as well, levitating the droid to further sell the lie.
Getting Ewoks to fight your battles is like heaving cute hamsters and bunnies at a mugger to stop an assault. It’s uncalled for and disproportionate.

1. Child Soldiers in Stupid Hats

Oh man. This is bad. Not only recruiting child soldiers, to die at war, which is pretty despicable in and of itself, but putting dumb colanders on their heads to make them feel like they’re an elite team of soldiers or something. Look at them. You might as well pump a couple rounds into their chubby, nubile bodies to save the enemy the trouble. They look like they could be defeated just by hanging a sign reading “Free Kandy” over a hole you dug.
Child labor is wrong, child soldiers are even wronger. Shame on you, George Lucas. Shame on your eyes.


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